indecision & co

negative space; living on the run
it's only natural to assume that a series of decisions are responsible for almost every aspect of my life. how strange; i don't remember making many decisions... the most impactive decisions that i remember making throughout my life were those that comprised the majority of a desperate exit strategy. in other words, i often decide not to do things. in fact, more and more, it seems that the negative space in my life is what defines it. beliefs i have decided not to compromise for, lifestyles i have chosen not to uphold, places i have decided not to live, people i have decided not to associate with, jobs i have decided not to deal with, etc. its not easy doing things backwards. people talk about proactive compared to reactive. my middle name is reactive. its weird because i'm not a passive person, which is normally associated with reactive tendencies. a strange side effect of being so reactive seems to be a perpetual consciousness of impending dodgery. like a refugee fleeing my own situations that "magically" turn undesirable every several months or so. it's laughable really. i suppose my life is somewhat akin to a pet monkey, in that, untended, it becomes untamed, obnoxious, irritable, and generally unpleasant to be around.

hindsight; or recognition of an interdependence of well being and psychoactives
it occurs to me frequently how dependent my mood is on caffeine, and to a lesser degree, alcohol. while my emotional baseline could be described as anxious and melancholy; when abstinent from aforementioned substances it increasingly trends towards paranoid, depressed, irritable, delusional and violent. i have long since established that this phenomena is not a direct effect of an addiction, although addiction has and often does complicate the matter. there is a large distinction between the effects of caffeine and alcohol. caffeine tends to improve my sense of well being and my perception of the relationship between my efforts and my goals. this effect is so drastic, that a substantial amount of caffeine can change a crippling mentality into a positive outlook approaching mania. alcohol, during consumption, simply thwarts focus, concentration, and passion; useful in dismantling a dangerous mindset. on a side note, it appears that consumption of alcohol on a daily basis, even in moderate levels, leads to a sort of allergic reaction comparable to intense and uncomfortable flushing, possibly due to cumulative tax on my liver, or the cumulative amount of some ingredient to which i am allergic.