rocsic

dream; storytelling even at night

2007-05-24T07:57:00.000-07:00

the scene
a dream in which i'm driving my girlfriend to work in a jeep that belongs to her boss. the jeep is identical to the jeep she normally drives, only it belongs to her boss for some reason.

the problem
there are no parking spaces save one, and the cars parked on either side of the available space are inclined toward each other at the sidewalk end, forming a sort of 'V' where the jeep is entering the large end, and headed toward the small end - a collision course.

a solution
i suppose the best solution to this problem would be not to park, and to let my girlfriend walk the 25 feet or so to her office. this is dreamworld though, so the best solution is obviously to get as far into the available spot as possible, perhaps within a centimeter of a car on either side, without contacting either of the other cars. this i do, very cautiously. my girlfriend exits stage, (i understand that with the snugness of the parking this is a physical impossibility; refer to the scene), and i begin to back out of the spot.

an unforeseen complication
a slender black haired women about 30 years old in a skirt suit gets in front of the jeep and starts flailing her hands and screaming at me. i back out enough to exit the car, then exit the car. she thinks i ran into her car. i'm sure that i did not. while talking to me, she points to a scratch, (wider than a thumb and from her driver side handle all the way to the bumper along the length of the car, and all the way down to the steel), and demands that i explain it. i said it wasn't me, and she says that she knows. i'm confused here. she says that the scratch was there, but that she's pretty sure i made it worse. i disagree. i re-enact my parking in the jeep to prove that i didn't hit her car; she does not believe that that is a very accurate demonstration. i draw a graph with chalk, this also does not convince her. things of this nature continue for a bit, to no avail. throughout these processions, in the back of my mind, i recall, as if in a dream, the tiniest bit of resistance during the parking maneuver; possibly akin to that experienced by a large snail when pushing through a fresh young grass chute, oft completely unnoticeable. it is because of this feeling, combined with the womens persistent nagging, that i agree at the possibility of just barely, albeit not in any way incurring responsibility for the ginormous scratch, nudging her car. she is not satisfied. i tell her i will pay the damages of a spot next to the door handle, about half an inch squared. she gives me her insurance information, (this may not make sense, refer to the scene), and while leaving i look her in the eye and say "this doesn't make you happy does it?", referring of course, to my planned smallest of small contribution to her total repair costs. she glares at me.

a surprising accuracy
although i will not go into detail, several other equally long scenes followed. the strange thing about the following scenes, (including being in a college next to some lockers, in a gymnasium where there are tryouts for a sport i have never heard of, and being downtown next to a sort of fountain during a public festival), is that during each of them, i was able to find someone that i knew, at least a bit, and tell them the story of the lady in the glasses. i must have told that story some four times throughout the remainder of the dream. i'm such a talker, it's really funny. a particularly funny scenario: i'm downtown next to fountain with josh, a friend of mine. there is a public festival of sorts and beer is only $1.50 for a 16oz plastic cup. we are drinking beer. i have already told josh the story about the car scratch and the lady. we meet some people whom i am vaguely familiar with, possibly went to high school with them or something. i tell them, (two guys), the car lady story. shortly after, i admit to not being able to remember their names, and we casually part ways in search of other company and more beer. this is a surprisingly accurate portrayal of me using other people, or rather their characteristic reactions to me, as a way of clarifying and solidifying my universal image, that is, what i am really like, not what i think about myself.

indecision & co

2007-05-22T05:05:00.000-07:00

negative space; living on the run
it's only natural to assume that a series of decisions are responsible for almost every aspect of my life. how strange; i don't remember making many decisions... the most impactive decisions that i remember making throughout my life were those that comprised the majority of a desperate exit strategy. in other words, i often decide not to do things. in fact, more and more, it seems that the negative space in my life is what defines it. beliefs i have decided not to compromise for, lifestyles i have chosen not to uphold, places i have decided not to live, people i have decided not to associate with, jobs i have decided not to deal with, etc. its not easy doing things backwards. people talk about proactive compared to reactive. my middle name is reactive. its weird because i'm not a passive person, which is normally associated with reactive tendencies. a strange side effect of being so reactive seems to be a perpetual consciousness of impending dodgery. like a refugee fleeing my own situations that "magically" turn undesirable every several months or so. it's laughable really. i suppose my life is somewhat akin to a pet monkey, in that, untended, it becomes untamed, obnoxious, irritable, and generally unpleasant to be around.

hindsight; or recognition of an interdependence of well being and psychoactives
it occurs to me frequently how dependent my mood is on caffeine, and to a lesser degree, alcohol. while my emotional baseline could be described as anxious and melancholy; when abstinent from aforementioned substances it increasingly trends towards paranoid, depressed, irritable, delusional and violent. i have long since established that this phenomena is not a direct effect of an addiction, although addiction has and often does complicate the matter. there is a large distinction between the effects of caffeine and alcohol. caffeine tends to improve my sense of well being and my perception of the relationship between my efforts and my goals. this effect is so drastic, that a substantial amount of caffeine can change a crippling mentality into a positive outlook approaching mania. alcohol, during consumption, simply thwarts focus, concentration, and passion; useful in dismantling a dangerous mindset. on a side note, it appears that consumption of alcohol on a daily basis, even in moderate levels, leads to a sort of allergic reaction comparable to intense and uncomfortable flushing, possibly due to cumulative tax on my liver, or the cumulative amount of some ingredient to which i am allergic.

loneliness; an oracles neglect

2007-05-02T16:35:00.000-07:00

her home; the warmth between tangible and malleable. she teaches me strength and intelligence; health, longevity, and flexibility. she tutors me in the balance of that which is desirable and that which is beneficial. her nature botanical, rooted below the conscious, and flourishing above; her process slow, methodical like respiration. like warm water she is comforting and present, consuming and defining. she finds me when there is need, i do not seek her. her disapproval heartfelt; shaming.

for some nights now she has sought me and spoken; truth shining painful like a fire too close. in my disobedience i have driven her away, in my ignorance crushed her spirit.

hypocrisy as a theme; objectivity as an impossibility

2007-04-17T12:43:00.000-07:00

i'm a bit embarrassed because just a few days ago, in the real world, i ate a chicken sandwich from hardees. you have no idea how much it pains me to say that. it was free and i was starving - a friend bought it, and then offered it to me. it wasn't horrible. it was pretty good - the flavor was more striking than flavor i'm used too; i mostly eat rather plain home cooked food. i felt a little bit sick later in the evening... probably psychosomatic. two nights later, i dream that i'm being interviewed. possibly for a job, not completely certain of this. anyhow, i've been talking to this guy for several minutes when he asks whether or not i consider myself healthy. i say yes. he asks if i eat healthily. i say yes, but feel strange as i slightly remember eating fast food recently. it was once in a few months, it's not a lifestyle, i think. he asks if i exercise, i say yes. he says 'you don't run do you?' i say yes. he asks if i'm an alcoholic, i say yes. i feel suddenly as if i've made a mistake. end dream. it's strange that i've had two dreams recently (previous post) that appeared to be blatant critiques of my lifestyle. i wonder how conflicted i am, and whether this is a big problem. aligning my lifestyle with my beliefs is high on some subconcious to-do list, apparently.

thought: something i was thinking yesterday evening. for awhile, i fancied myself as an objective thinker in relation not so much to my peers, but to the general population. i have said often that objectivity is to science as christ is to christianity. unachievable accept through a loose and likely misunderstood relationship. recently i realized something further. objective reasoning, or evaluation concerning a specific event or phenomena is somewhat possible. unbiased research is possible. i oft find myself changing my beliefs or opinions slightly in accordance with new information -- a bit of proof that correct information sometimes takes priority over passionate beliefs. wal-mart. pretty bad. not quite as bad as i thought. pretty bad though.

distraction: i was going to use the definition of 'prejudice' as another example of me changing my opinion - only in this case, of me being wrong. in a psychology class during a heated discussion about prejudice (in the racist sense), i said that prejudice means to form an opinion with incorrect information or no information, so if someone admits to being prejudiced against someone they are inherently incorrect. someone argued that it may be socially unreasonable but not incorrect by definition. i looked the word up at home, and found this "3.unreasonable feelings, opinions, or attitudes, esp. of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious, or national group." (Random House Unabridged 2006) I later admitted to being wrong. I just found the following: "1. To cause to have prejudice; to prepossess with opinions formed without due knowledge or examination; to bias the mind of, by hasty and incorrect notions; to give an unreasonable bent to, as to one side or the other of a cause; as, to prejudice a critic or a juryman." (Webster 1913) so at least i hadn't made it up, it was just outdated.

back to thought: objectivity as a lifestyle. impossible. to objectively evaluate every aspect of every one of your personal opinions would be akin to rebuilding yourself from scratch. to objectively research every piece of information that is involved with forming your opinions is completely impossible. ridiculous even. so here's the new belief: objective about things that it has been brought to my attention are worth being objective about. otherwise, form my opinion based on personal research. basically, as long as i'm preventing other people, peoples, agencies, organizations and corporations from forming my opinions for me, i'll be alright.

a dream; blatant hypocrisy

2007-04-06T07:08:00.000-07:00

i feel that dreams utilize a system of emphasizing and understating content; much like cinematography is used in film. i would like to explore that a bit more later. last night i dreamt of several weddings that included many of my friends and family members. the weddings themselves were so atypical and incongruous that i don't believe they were of any literal or symbolic importance. during one of the weddings though, i was sitting next to my brother at a picnic table. i was talking about cigarettes. i was saying that if you were to eat cigarettes they would make you sick, and in a large enough quantity they would kill you. i was marveling at the amount of poisons in cigarettes. cigarettes cause cancer, they are addictive, they are expensive, they have ill effects on the respiratory system, on your circulatory system, on your cardiovascular system. they cause low birth weight. the side of the box says 'smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancy'. they are packaged with pamphlets about how to quit. what's so ridiculous, is that all of this is common knowledge, and people still smoke. why? because subtle advertising depicts this really desirable image associated with smoking. cowboys. guitar players. snow boarders. white water rafters. guys that have sexy girls on both sides. groups of smiling people that are having the time of their lives. they all smoke. and it's addictive. try it a few times, and the rest of your smoking career basically takes care of itself. these are the things i'm telling my brother. also, i say, smoking makes your clothes smell like smoke. not classy grandfatherish cigar smoke, but shredded compressed tobacco paper cheap smoke. not only that, i say, but people who have been smoking for ten years, you can smell putrid lung on their breath. as if someone left a steak out on the counter for three hot days. it is absolutely revolting. as i'm talking about this to my brother, in a slightly hushed tone because we're at a wedding type thing, i catch his eye making its' return from a brief glance at my pocket. it's one of those dreams. worse than being naked in front of your peers (which i've never had by the way). i don't even have to look, i know there is a pack of cigarettes in my pocket.

in reality, i do smoke occasionally. it can be difficult to manage moderation, especially with an addictive substance. i feel like i'm doing a lot better than people that smoke a pack a day. pride is poison. even if you only eat a little shit, you better believe you're a shit eater.

dream types; a dream

2007-04-03T11:56:00.000-07:00

i assume that dreams feel different for different people. i remember my dreams as clearly as the events of yesterday; not crystal, but usable memories. my dreams often take on one of three forms: abstract, epic, and instructional.
abstract dreams are not of a visual nature, they are more like a collection of precognitive data that has not yet aligned itself to one of the oft used five senses. abstract dreams often present themselves in the form of emotional or intuitive content within a mathematical or logical context. this is very difficult to understand and leaves me with a feeling of longing for clarity.
epic dreams are distinct in their audial and visual clarity. they normally consist of a number of related events either experienced in the first person, or less often, the third person. the likelihood or realism of these events ranges very dramatically. most epic dreams feel as if they are being experienced for at least several minutes, often several hours or even days. sometimes, certain words, phrases, or images are commonplace to the point of being representative of the dream; i am often left with a very symbolic memory of such words or images.
instructional dreams are more like an educational film or a tutor than an interactive experience. often, a concept or idea is presented from some source other than myself strictly for the purpose of making me familiar with it. these dreams do not endow the same caliber of memory as the epic dreams, and often leave me trying to remember wording or imagery.

two nights ago i had a dream that i would consider instructional, and i was lucky enough to remember the main 'scene' from it, so to speak. i was inside a comfortable limousine and was driving along a highway. beside the highway were several power line towers, and what appeared to be farmland and farmers. i was interested to see the farmers more clearly, who appeared to be asian due to their dress and farming posture. as i tried to look out of the window, the image became foggy. i continued trying to peer through the foggy window for several minutes to minimal avail. a clear voice spoke around me the words "to study something is to contaminate it with your ego". i realized the fog in the window was my reflection.

words like soap bubbles

2007-03-30T15:24:00.000-07:00

this is going to make very little sense i can assure you. recently i heard from some possibly credible internet source that the approximate number of words in the english language has increased more than five fold in the last four hundred years. people base what they know on things that already exist and build forward. we use language that exists to think about articulating things that have no words assigned to them yet. just now i was going to use the word pentuple to describe the term 'five fold'. i didn't because it's not listed in the dictionary. octupled is. so is centupled. maybe i'm thinking about the word structure incorrectly. the point is, the resolution of the language is constantly increasing. just like in visual medium, resolution is not a measurement of accuracy compared to some ultimate accuracy. resolution is a way to describe a level of detail. as resolution increases, an image is said to be more detailed; however, that does not infer that there is a resolution that describes perfect clarity. that section was briefly thought through. here's what i am coming to. king crimson, a band i sometimes listen to, has a line in one of their songs that reads 'have to be happy with what you have to be happy with'. the way that it is presented, the first clause means something quite different than the second, although the wording is exactly the same. after i thought about this for a few minutes, i started thinking about the difference of the uses of the word 'have'. to have an object. i have to get this done. you have to go. you have my bike. when i use 'have' to represent an obligation i pronounce the 'v' more like an 'f''. this really tripped me out. like so many colored dots can capture a rough copy of what something looks like; so many words can capture a basic representation of what i am attempting to communicate. when i practice thinking of the different implications of the word 'have', it feels like the essence of my intention is being forced into vessels; in some cases, two very different meanings simply lack separate vessels, and must share one. this is common knowledge, but witnessing it by saying words side by side with the same pronunciation but different meaning feels limiting and strange.